(What
follows are a series of short parodies of P G Wodehouse’s Jeeves stories which I
wrote as family emails some years ago. My father was of the generation which automatically
read Wodehouse as ‘light reading’. I’m not aware that my sister or niece ever
read him, but they did both enjoy the Clive Exton TV adaptations broadcast
between 1990 and 1993 starring Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry. I’m the one who is
the real addict. Hearing a BBC radio adaptation in the early 1970’s prompted me
to roam the half a dozen or so Jeeves paperbacks on my father’s bookshelves.
That particular Penguin edition had on the back cover a quote from Evelyn Waugh
about how the stories released the reader from the real world into something
much more idyllic, he also predicted that the effect would be even greater in
the future as our world grew grimmer! My experience has been a little
different, as I grow older I find myself interpreting the world more and more in
Wodehousian terms; as I people-watch, an internal dialogue between Bertie and
Jeeves often erupts, in which the absurdity of others behaviour must be made a
source of amusement in order maintain one’s sanity. The first dialogue, from 21.11.09,
looks forward to my sister returning from a work trip to Africa.)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhewkU2vr0BaSWxGkWgz2m4Q9_wK3obxQ6j7YsBt-YdnFIJlm17YQ9-dlIGC51FxzV0tzGuj8Fy31Ik4xW4klqEngf6LFffId9Q6I4bAzlQd8biaIuZNdVUi5-Ke5_bH88HUAFDzyn0L4Z3/s400/2017+35.jpg) |
(photo by Nick Hewling) |
I say
Jeeves when is my sister due back from her latest inspection of the
Dark Continent?
I
couldn't say sir.
Some of
her photos make it look quite inviting. Perhaps I should undertake
an expedition?
I
couldn't advise it, for a gentleman of your description sir.
What do
you mean you couldn't advise it!
It has
well been said sir, that Africa is only for those with a commanding personality
and considerable strength of character.
Precisely,
condemned out your own mouth! I take it Cook's do a tour.
I fear it
would take you away from England for many months.
Well, I'm
sure my friends can manage without me for a while - get packing Jeeves.
Sir! It
will require several weeks just to purchase the necessary tropical outfits and
camping equipment.
Camping!
No, no, no. We shall stay in the best hotels.
I'm
afraid sir, they all have a tendency to be several thousand miles apart.
All
right, all right. I give in. Bring out the Michael Palin DVDs and fetch me a
whiskey and soda.
(This
one, penned on the 2.12.09, looks forward to Christmas.)
Well Jeeves, the festive season is upon us.
Indeed,
sir.
Therefore
the burning question of the hour is; which one of this array of invitations
above the hearth should we accept?
Sir!
Forgive me for pointing it out, but this service flat has the latest central
heating. There is no hearth.
Jeeves! I
was speaking figuratively, as well you know.
I see,
sir.
Don't you
yearn for an open fire, for crumpets toasted over a yuletide log?
I
hesitate to mention it sir, but if we are to descend on any one of
the residences to which you have been invited there will be nothing but
open fires in the middle of winter!
Quite.
Chilly
sheets and ice on the insides of windows during the morning hours.
Sounds
quite romantic.
Not a
situation inclined to induce good feeling in the servant’s hall, sir. Parlour
maids are generally required to rise an hour before other staff in winter in
order to have fires lit in all bedrooms before 6,00am.
Ah, now!
Was it not you who pointed out only the other day whilst running my
bath, that the doorman Jarvis is required to descend five times a day to
the basement in order to stoke the boiler so that we can enjoy this
central heating! Umm, well?
Sir, I..
I say,
you're not still mooning over that scheme of yours to winter in Provence
are you?
Antibes
has many attractions for a young man of your description sir, and if the timing
is right, can be accessed in little over 24 hours with only two changes of train...
Enough,
Jeeves! Never mind showing-off your knowledge of Bradshaw and foreign
railway timetables, we shall be spending Christmas with the least objectionable
of my relatives - it's just a question of working out which they are?
Very
good, sir.
If we
ignore them all, we'll get it in the neck from all of them. If we go to
one, then at least we have a passable excuse for not going to the others. I
shall set my mind to the problem.
At what
time would you like to be awoken sir?
No,
no, I shall be totally focused on the question in hand. Jeeves, who are
the least objectionable of my relatives?
I really
couldn't say sir. Perhaps you should attempt to ascertain which other guests
are likely to be present before coming to a conclusion. Equally, consideration
might be given to the quality of food and availability of alcoholic
beverages, and whether, in the absence of the aforementioned, there
are good local hostelries to repair to.
Jeeves
your cynicism astounds me - aren't you at all moved by the thought of
Christmas?
I try to
resist succumbing to a sentimental urge, sir. One should always be mindful that
it was the popular Victorian moralist Charles Dickens sentimental urge to
improve the lot of the working classes which led him to pen the ghost story
known as A Christmas Carol, and which subsequently led to many of the current
absurdities of modern winter feasting.
Now,
don't start getting pompous about The Carol, Jeeves! I've known it backwards
since I was a child. I've half a mind to read it aloud to my young niece.
I
couldn't advise it sir, the young lady is approaching seventeen and will almost
certainly have a portable musical device secreted about her person for the
express purpose of fading-out any intrusive adult.
Well
then, I shall read it to my father!
He no
doubt will use the opposite strategy to achieve precisely the same
outcome, sir.
I don't
follow Jeeves?
Hearing
aids can be turned down as well as up, sir!
Well,
what about my sister and her friends?
It has
well been said that a public performer needs to know how to cope with
hecklers...
Enough!
The boat train Jeeves, Victoria isn't it, 5 minutes past midnight, platform 3?
Indeed,
sir.
(..and
on Christmas Day I sent the following.)
Good morning sir. Your breakfast tray!
What time
is it Jeeves?
Ten past
nine, sir.
Ten past
nine! Is the building on fire?
No, sir.
I thought you might care to take breakfast now - in light of events.
Events?
The only event, if I remember rightly is that I left the casino at
2,00am. Now is no time for bringing in breakfast, especially on Christmas
Day.
It
was events at the casino to which I was referring sir. If I might
venture the opinion, a hasty return to England might be advisable.
But
Jeeves, I won! Handsomely as it happens. I'm on a winning streak.
Precisely,
sir.
What's
the matter, have you suddenly developed a moral objection to your employer
having a gamble.
No, sir.
It is just that a winning streak never lasts.
Ah, but I
have my system Jeeves.
And so do
the casinos, sir. They take great exception to losing large sums of money
and will make strenuous efforts to take it back again - with
interest.
What, you
don't mean strong-arm tactics surely?
Not at
all sir, they simply know that if they can keep you at the tables long enough,
then their profits will be restored. They have already approached the
manager of the hotel with a view to paying your bill and having you
upgraded to a more superior suite.
I don't
get it Jeeves, it will cost them a packet!
No sir,
if they can keep you here for another week they will undoubtedly come out
ahead.
Well, of
all the bally nerve, spying on their customers - think my credit's not good
enough do they?
On the
contrary sir, the purpose of checking someone's credit is to ascertain which of
their patrons can afford to lose the most, and then encourage them to do so.
And if I
go on winning?
Then you
will simply be barred, sir.
What!
It is
always the successful who are banned from casinos, sir - never the losers.
Well what
about your professional gambler then?
Professional
gamblers are not particularly wealthy sir. They simply make a good living
by travelling from one gambling resort to another, making modest gains at each
casino and being careful not to draw attention to themselves.
Good
lord, Jeeves! Do you know everything?
I really
don't know.
I say,
that chef has failed to do my boiled eggs, again! I can't be doing with
scrambled.
We are in
France sir. English habits are not always respected.
Indeed
not, where is the best place to spend New Year?
I am told
the Highlands of Scotland...
(It
was too tempting not to continue – from 1.1.10.)
I blame you for this Jeeves!
Perhaps
we are not keeping our eye on the ball with sufficient assiduity sir.
In case
you hadn't noticed the Norwegian's are blowing a force 10 gale at us.
It was
your expressed wish to visit the 'home of golf' sir.
Only
after you put the idea of Hogmanay in my mind. As it is we only just got
here in time!
We did
make the journey from Provence to London in record time, sir.
Only to
find the London and North Eastern on a go-slow for the entire festive
season. And as for that last train, it was positively Victorian.
Indeed
sir, the journey has changed little since the time of the late Queen, we can
count our blessings we only had to travel the one stop from Leuchars to
St. Andrews. The other passengers will have had to continue along the coast
via Boarhills, Pitmilly West, Crail and Anstruther before re-joining
the main line north of Kirkcaldy...
Enough
Jeeves, you're putting me off my stroke.
I do
apologise sir.
Damn! Did
you see where that one went?
The mist
does seem to be closing in. Perhaps one should heed the lesson of Robert
Tyre Jones Jr, sir. When as a very young man he came to the Old Course for
the first time he played badly, had a temper tantrum and
left the championship after eleven holes of the third round, citing
intense dislike of the course. Nonetheless he returned and won The
Open in 1927 choosing to leave the cup here at the Royal
and Ancient, and so won the hearts of the Scottish people.
So, you
think I need to take lessons from Bobby Jones on how to be a gentleman, Jeeves?
Oh, no
sir, I merely...
Don't
think I haven't noticed the way you talk of a 'gentleman of my
description', not just a 'gentlemen', always the qualifier huh?
Be in no
doubt sir, there is no one else I'd rather be employed by - you offer a life of
rare interest and variety. I cannot think of another gentleman who would
provide such a challenge to my capabilities.
Very well
Jeeves. But you do know that some people think you have me under
your thumb.
Heaven
forbid sir! May I suggest a five iron next - just to get us back
onto the fairway?
(And finally on 20.9.10.)
Well Jeeves, what do you think? Romantic what! Dawn rising, or is
it sunset, over the water hole?
Sir! May I enquire as to the purpose to which you
intend putting such an illustration?
It's a
birthday card for my sister - what with her being an old Africa hand.
You wish
your sister to know you associate her with a herd of elephants?
Oh, not
psychology again Jeeves.
Indeed
sir, visual images are a lot more powerful than words.
Every
picture tells a thousand stories and all that?
Something
of the kind!
But just
think of all the positive associations - they live a terribly long time,
their skin is as tough as old boot straps, they can be aggressive when they
need to be, pore torrents of foul water on the unsuspecting...
Precisely
sir.
And they
never forget, and always return... Jeeves I think I'm starting to hallucinate,
that picture is transforming before my eyes into a regiment of Aunts -
with Aunt Agatha at the head of them! Suddenly I feel the chill at sunset
on the savannah.
Shall I
prepare our morning bath sir? It will have a soothing affect and
whilst you wait may I recommend a whisky and soda - purely for
medicinal purposes.
(In 2018 I found myself wondering if such a relationship as Jeeves and Bertie Wooster could exist in the 21st century? I concluded that it couldn't. So I came up with Sparkwell and I - tales of a personal therapist. See sidebar link.)